By Matt Johnson
No matter if we are throwing our dirty laundry in the laundry hamper or in the washer, we are very good at seeing other people’s dirty laundry. It’s a fascinating phenomenon. Why? We are righteous; we have righteous minds.
Recently, Donald Trump said some pretty awful things again. But before I delve into what he said, I will have to provide a trigger warning first. Here I go. This is my first trigger warning as a writer. I learned how to do this at the university. I will do two trigger warnings – one for liberals and one for conservatives. I don’t want to play favorites.
Liberal Trigger Warning!!! Warning! Warning! Warning! Donald Trump is going to be president of the United States and he’s going to have his finger tips on the “Nukes!” Just kidding. Anyway, if you are a liberal, you may be offended by some things that conservatives say because you are morally enlightened and tolerant of what others say and who they are even if they are of a different political existence and even if they say some intolerable things. Remember, you are tolerant to a ‘t.’
Conservative Trigger Warning!!! Warning! Warning! Warning! You won’t be offended by a single statement anyone says unless they say something bad about Ronald Reagan, or if someone (or a group of no good millionaire making, pampered athletes who should just “Shut up! And play football!”) kneels during the national anthem, or if someone burns the American flag during a rally, especially a liberal, commie, tree-hugging socialist, because who hates America more, right? And of course, don’t forget about Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. They are walking, talking trigger warnings for conservatives, just listen to Rush Limbaugh on any given weekday morning.
Now that we got that out-of-the-way, what exactly did Trump say?
Well if he had been listening to George Carlin, he would have been familiar with the “Seven dirty words” a person isn’t supposed to say on television, even if it was 11 years ago and the person didn’t have any intention of running for president. Clearly that’s a big no! no! We all know Trump should have known ahead of time and planned accordingly. Fortunately for us, Carlin’s “Seven dirty words” were recorded well before Trump said what he said. And Trump should have known this since he was a presidential contender. There is no excuse. Finger tips and nukes take discipline.
As Carlin explained, a person can’t say “shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits!”
Wait! What?! We can’t say “shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits!” Holy shit!
Why didn’t anybody fucking tell Donald J. Trump?! Does Clinton have this list?! Fucking piss!!! Does she know she’s not supposed to say “shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits?!” Apparently, she got the memo and Trump did not. This is so fucked! There’s absolutely no way Trump is going to be president now. Tits! There went his campaign.
Why can’t we say these words? Because it’s someone else’s list as the great Carlin elucidated in his routine. The list is malleable. It changes fairly regularly. And depending on the trigger warning (*See above), the list will offend us in the morning if we hadn’t had our coffee yet, or sometime in the late morning before lunch, or perhaps on our way home from work in Los Angeles traffic. Actually, that’s probably the most likely time a liberal and conservative will deem it extremely appropriate to use such language in the same way, especially while sitting on the 405 in West Los Angeles. More than likely, both will say “Fuck me!” while sitting on the 405 and 10 interchange at 3:30 in the afternoon. Anyway…
“But, Matt! Donald J. Trump is the devil. And you’ve never used such language in your writing before?” Indeed it is true I’ve never utilized such words in my writing before. I’m turning over a new leaf. And as far as Trump is concerned, I usually leave it to the professionals on Coast to Coast AM to tell me who is and who is not the devil. But I really am enjoying the whole irony of this Trump presidential campaign.
There’s so much dirty laundry (fyi – I need to do laundry today). But instead of explicitly pointing out the hypocrisies of this event point by point, I’m going to let the ironic subtleties just marinate for a while and finally tell you the awful things Donald Trump said recently in a video from eleven years ago (Remember, that was a no! no! and he should have known better), because no other politician in the history of the universe has ever said such things, or worse things, according to the rhetorical bubble that is the liberal media. And make no mistake, I’m not defending Sean Hannity and his bromance with Donald Trump, which the Donald was practically declaring from the mountain tops during the first debate. Their love is real (S.H. + D.T.).
Perhaps Donald Trump should think ahead next time and not say “Grab them by the pussy!” Instead, he should have said “Grab them by the [topography]!” eleven years ago. This way we wouldn’t have seen this load of dirty laundry.
Photo credit: Gage Skidmore
Copyright ©2016 – The Systems Scientist